Until then

I don’t remember waiting in the way we’ve been waiting for this

For you

For a moment it was nice to think you

to imagine you

what your eyes would look like

what kind of curls would ring your hair

the voice that would ring out at night when you were thirsty

sick

or scared

We waited and marked every milestone

growth after growth

building and forming

I never knew that I would look forward to being scared

terrified, even

of someone completely upending our lives

And then one morning we drove to the hospital

happy

excited

hopeful

But the silence in that bland room fell and spoke loudly

telling us that while you were there

you were no longer

Then my heart fell

dry and hollow

and the only sound I could hear

was two souls cracking

All of those emotions

hopes and dreams

and nowhere to put them anymore

Then a blur of overwhelming sadness

and emptiness building and crashing

a neverending tide

Because when you are broken

you can’t remember a time

when you were whole

But slowly

we’re becoming whole again

But never quite,

exactly,

because we’ll always be waiting

And even though we never

gave you a name

it’s etched in our hearts

and one day

we hope to speak it

to you